The Gift of a Voice



Tonight, we shared our holiday with family. It was a lovely evening. The food was wonderful, the company even more delightful and when it was done and we were all sitting around, conversing over the advantages to capitalism verses socialism I edged my way over to another side of the room.

They was my beautiful niece, achin over the loss of our mother/grandmother. This is the time of year when we miss her most. The conversation moved along to the memories, the times we miss the most, things she did or said that were so funny.

The M asked if we wanted to hear her voice. I forgot we had that. K1 said yes and then it happened. M pushed the play button and there it was, her voice. She was describing her life, her history, her parents and grandparents. It was as if she was in the room sharing her life with all of us. She was every bit there and she was felt.

She would have loved the evening. SHe would have loved that we were together and that we were celebrating Christmas.

Her voice was a gift  A Christmas gift.

Thanks M. Thank-you!

Christmas Eve!

 

"Love so easily understands what you can see is the smallest part;

you don't need Christmas in your hands when you have Christmas in your heart."

~ Anonymous

It's 7:30 Am and the house is somewhat still. I can hear D's movie looping in the basement on his supersonic audio set up and I just moved A up to Grandpa's room so I can type without bothering him, the puppies are back in the kennel as they had quite the night and I am happier and more content in the role I take the greatest pride in, that of a homemaker.

I love my family, all of them, warts and all in a way that can only be described as obsessive. I am their warrior, their siren song and this time of year they are my hope and salvation. I love the clutter and the mess and I love all of them sooo much.

As GL used to say - we put the FUN in dysFUNction. Would you want it any other way!

Merry Christmas Everyone!





Define Crazy

“Sometimes it's to your advantage

for people to think you're crazy”

~ Thelonious Monk

What I would give for one take back. For a chance to take back time and change one act, one moment so that the exposed nerve never resurfaced ever again. What is it? It's the time in my life I caved, I checked out because I was helpless and couldn't think of a way to surface, to breath and to take back the happiness I and my kids deserved. Too many people suffered, too many people hurt.

I remember the choice, I remember thinking if I just checked out it might just all go away. Here's a little tid bit for those contemplating checking out. All the crap you think will disappear because you are ignoring it just gets worse, really, really bad, because unlike a plant that when no one nourishes it dies, dysfunction thrives on avoidance.

So, today the word "crazy" came out again. One, that when I use it feels harmless but when others use it to refer to me brings back so many bad memories I can't even describe the ache.

I was told that no one could have survived unscathed from the dysfunction of my past life. My Dr told me that I used the caving as a coping mechanism and that in time those that I failed would understand. I can't tell you what it feels like to have disappointed the ones you love. It took and still is taking a long time to forgive myself and all I ca hope for is that they will eventually forgive me.

Here's the Achilles heel though. Your breakdown is a weakness that lives forever inside you and becomes a mental default that you fight. You recognize the signs and the struggles that trigger the response and you fight with all the mental power you have inside you to not default to the easy road down because God knows the road up is monumental in comparison.

I think these last few weeks of work and the sheer disappointment of the compensation I received has triggered the failure response. That coupled with the social suicide of leaving the church has left me feeling more vulnerable than I have in years. I know my kids are watching me and I know they're afraid. W has only heard about it but he is to me the exact opposite to what I had with M. W cares, enough said.

So what do I do? Christmas approaches. As hard as I worked this year apparently it wasn't enough to warrant any kind of even an average compensation. I have been advised by quite a few to just let them, my company, know just how disappointed I am by working to rule, simply punching the clock and working at normal speed. I guess I was mistaken to believe the "bringing value to the company" with over 180 drills between the 2 areas I was in only counts if they like you. Apparently I pissed off the wrong people. So giving up some my my Fridays off to keep up to the 4 running rigs just was status quo and not an above average level of commitment. It's defeating to think since I even worked thru some holidays that I could have spent with my family. It wont happen again, I have learned my lesson but it still has hurt me, defeated me and I need to overcome the disappointment.

I came out of the cave once before, I will come out again, faster and more resolved to thrive.

A wise women once told me " people will disappoint you". She was right, I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

Me thinks......

Success is not final, failure is not fatal:

It is the courage to continue that counts.

~ Winston Churchill

Rocks and a hard place; that’s what Mom used to call those times when you were damned if you do and damned if you don’t. For the most part, my life has been relatively clear of these scenarios but something happened yesterday that basically caught me off guard. I am a bit perplexed as to how to respond.

There was a woman in the ward I used to go to. We had kids that were all born around the same time. My kids were in her kids classes at church and at school and they couldn’t have been more opposite to each other. For the most part it didn’t matter. The differences were significant enough that socially they really didn’t have much to do with each other and outside of some snarky opinions they existed non combatively for many years.

When I left M this woman and her husband took a side, unabashedly so. I took a high road and shared little or nothing about the details of the divorce with anyone outside of my circle of friends. They, her husband and she weren’t the nicest and for the most part I just went about my business. I knew they had a strong opinion of me and I know that on two different occasions those within my circle had to address their opinions as being incorrect as their only frame of reference was M.

I don’t have to rehash in words how difficult church was for me, especially my ward. The pain and the words are in previous blog posts. I had become reticent to my cultural standing and once the perfect storm played out I became inactive out of a need for emotional sanity in my life.

It’s been over a year now and life has changed so much for me. I am less stressed and more self confident. I am happy and content and more at peace with a God who loves me because I am me and not because I can follow a set of doctrines more in line with control and abuse then what this living is all about. I am more spiritual and more loving and I am real for the first time in my life. I still have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and still believe that much of the principles that were taught were correct. Some, I don’t and for that reason I can not reconcile activity. A church that holds polygamy as a strong tenant is not one I want to be a part of. Currently I am being forced to live in it spiritually and for that reason and others I have chosen to walk away.

So, what am I on about?

I received a letter yesterday; A heartfelt two pager. It was well written and concise and sincere. In it she expressed how she felt about me over the years and how my absence at church was felt. She was asking me to come back and said that the only way to heal was there, at church. And the unintentional control played out. The verbiage of every LDS person who feels and thinks that the only happiness that anyone can have is at the church, and then assigns that belief to others unknowingly expressing the opinion that whoever hears it couldn’t possibly be happy outside of it’s proverbial walls. The last sentence she wrote in the letter, though I know she meant so well, lost me. Healing isn’t there; at church, it never was and one person reaching out doesn’t make me trust most of the ward that felt behooved to have me know I was worthless in the gospel sense.

What is a girl to do?

I have fashioned many a thank-you note in my time, some of the apologies I needed to have written were, and then sent. I am free of the grip of a culture that never wanted me in the first place. How can I ever explain that yes, all those testimonies I bore were sincere and even to this day, I LOVE THE GOSPEL ….. Of Jesus Christ and admire the intentions of the LDS faith but there are some doctrines I cannot abide and some issues with the history that can never be made right.

Had the open and honest history of the church been taught I may have made it through but it wasn’t and I was an accomplice to those teachings. And the final and mitigating truth that sealed the exodus for me was to not allow the conversation or the choice of discontinuing my sealing to M and forcing me into a polygamous sealing. That is wrong and gender bias. Women in the church, though time and time again on the general conference pupil, are referenced to as equal and important to the Lord, are not and what I know to be true is the actions of the doctrines speak otherwise.

A woman should have the choice to live under the sealing of her parents and not be forced to remain sealed to a man proven abusive. I remain sealed, not by choice. Walk in my shoes and then you might have a little enlightenment to my heart and soul. All I have asked for is the final and emotional closure for my entire family to a man who remains set in his judgment of all of us be allowed. Is that so much to ask?

I hold a deep respect to the LDS faith. I love meeting and knowing those who live it purely without judgment of others and who understands the Savior’s plan in a more real and deeper way. These people are the ones that stop me from being flippant or aggressive in an ANTI way of thinking. I love and respect them and for that reason alone I remain respectful. I find the noisier members who complain of my Facebook friends or my associations to active MORMON groups (NOM, Feminist Mormon Housewives, etc.) within the Facebook environment are usually the least tolerant and more judgmental members. Even my own twin refuses to speak or acknowledge me because he feels I am weak and gave up too easily. (That would need an entire blog post to address.)

I have no idea how to respond to the letter. I am not angry or hurt or even think that she hasn’t the right to address me but I have nothing further to add to my returning to the “fold”. Yep, I was offended and for over 5 years I tried and I am not willing nor do I have a desire to go back. I do not reference myself as Mormon; I don’t even call myself ex unless it is referenced to not attending anymore.

The opposite of love is indifference and I am very much indifferent to the church as a whole and yet, to the specific individuals that felt so inclined to harass me or treat me disrespectfully I only hold contempt. These people are usually the ones blowing their horns so loudly about being Mormon that no one around them can be heard. I would even hazard to say I may have been one of those at one time.

My life now is very full and rich with an abundance of blessings. I am a family person and my family is very important to me. A church isn’t going to declare it invalid because I don’t have an active sealing to them. The God I know and love would in NO WAY deny that family connection because an ordinance was performed. He is not so unfair as to leave it to a handful of pious individuals to insure all have it; No way, no how.

I have no disagreement to the letter, I am not offended. I let go of the pain and hurt of the treatment given me by members a while back. My emotional and spiritual health has never been better and I am truly at peace with my MAKER. I appreciate her words and I acknowledge that road was a two way street. But I am done and happy because I am done.

If you could hear my words you would hear singing because when it comes to these issues the fat lady is in fact belting out a tune.

Yes, it is over because the fat lady is singing.

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many.

Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books.

Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders.

Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations.

But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.

- Buddha

My code of ethics is simple. I remain and always will be a child of my Heavenly parents and as any parent does they have expectations of me here on earth that I have every intention of meeting  them.
I will be kind to others, I will respect others and things and I will always find in myself reasons for happiness and in the sharing of it. Judgment is only at THEIR – my heavenly parents hands, and that is where my life’s wisdom rests, For now; because life is always evolving and my mind and heart will always remain open for change.

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

nothing is going to get better. 

It's not. 

~Dr. Seuss

Lessons come to us in so many different ways and on so many different levels. We may hear something and it doesn't even register but then a significant event occurs and our mind is drawn back to the words and we think, "yes, that's what that meant!" and we learn and we grow.

So my reading partner brought a lesson to me this week that I would love to share.

We were talking about people and Christmas and how it is celebrated in Japan. Though there is no connection to any Christian celebration there, what the holiday is about is family and being together. She then spoke about the Japanese/Chinese symbol for human and how it is drawn and what it's meaning is. I was moved. To such basic and complete brush strokes of ink comes a whole and meaningful definition of the human condition. WOW!

So what does it mean? Can you guess?

The brush strokes indicate the need for humans to support humanity (each other). Two swipes of the quill and there you have it, in a nut shell. A Utopian thought to the human condition.

I love symbolism and metaphors. Like the parables of the Savior and how the guts of the gospel are brought to it's most simplistic form in their verses. Yet, time and time again it's missed or forgotten or out right ignored.

For humanity, for a culture, for even a family, the ultimate truism to its basic condition is "do we support each other". I don't mean in wrong either. Someone can be right off their rocker and supporting doesn't always mean agreement or enabling. Support can just be about a smile or a kind thought or caring - even in a tough love kind of way.

I know that when people come together and truly become each others wall to lean on great things can be accomplished.

I pledge to be that for the ones I love the most. I will be that person who truly supports each person in the best way I know how.

And, at the end of the day, as a woman of great wisdom told me (JOY), "if all they say about you is that you cared too much, gave too much, loved too much, is it really that bad?"

David O. McKay spoke about the success of life and how nothing can make up or being considered success if there is failure in the home. How do you measure a successful home. Some might say mine failed, miserably but I disagree.

The measure of my family comes to play when I am staring into the eyes of my beautiful Grandsons and they giggle. It's seeing those beautiful boys look so lovingly into their mother's eyes and all you witness is the bond of motherhood. It's when K2 and D become the awesome auntie and uncle and when we gather and laugh at the dysfunction that we left behind.

Success is in what I have now. In the survival and renewal and in the redefining of family.

It is us, now, finally!




Good People

It's that time again. It's the time when every sentiment of heartfelt emotion is tugged at by overzealous comericals and Hallmark Hall of Fame movies that inevitably make you sob like a baby. Between American Thanksgiving and Christmas every move you make in any direction turns you to a spirit of giving and can sometimes be so over done that the true meaning of why we give can get lost.

I love the made for TV movies, especially Hallmark's and how they remind me of the emotions and love that bind us by whatever definition we choose to call a family. These movies and all the other ways I am reminded of Christmas help me to know that emotion and tears and love are all good and meant to be the driving force that brings us to what this season was always supposed to be about. Family.

I remember a lesson my mother taught me when I was very young about the Christmas season and about giving and about people. I was home sick from school one day and when I came downstairs there were quite a few woman wrapping all sorts of gifts and filling stockings and chatting and laughing. I was little enough to still believe in Santa and I think almost right away Mom recognized my internal conflict.

She took me aside and gave me another one of those amazing life lessons. It wasn't some hokey tale about Santa's helpers or some made up mumbo jumbo about elf's, it was real and it was about poverty and "good people" who reach out and help. Mom was part of a club that reached out to families in need, a group of women not tied to any organization, just friends, who gathered together and gave in a ton of different ways. I remember the faces of the women there, the women I have admired all my life. Some are still at church, some aren't but all of them had hearts of gold and gave not because it was legislated but because it was right.

That was the first time Mom taught me about "good people". She taught me that coming from "good people" didn't automatically make you one. That giving wasn't the only qualification but that your heart had to be involved and not your pride. She taught me to recognize them and to become one. All these lessons have shaped me into the person I am today.

I grew up and for along time I thought "good people" really only were in the church. That has changed so much now, especially in that I see so many where I work and in my daily interactions. I love Christmas for so many reasons and seeing and feeling the hearts of good people is one of them.

To Conquer

It's really late or early depending your perspective and I have come off of one of the most difficult health weeks I have had in ions of time. A twisted ovary and to top it, caught Norovirus sometime either before during or after my 2 day visit to the hospital.

I can't begin to tell you how humbling it can be to be in extreme pain and voiding from well everywhere including tears. I called uncle in a big way and I am for the most part starting to feel sub human.

I have a huge exam this coming week and an assignment due for my photography courses. Well, I may fail my first class in a very long time. I can't help but not care, I am too tired to even think about it.

I just was checking in - letting you'll know I am still breathing and moving.

Updates to the exciting planning for Christmas and the gathering - yes, we are gathering - my babies and I will be together!! That's what got me through this this last week and what is making me smile when it's the last thing I want to do.



This Above All

This above all:
To thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

~ Hamlet, Shakespeare

How do you define integrity, is it to yourself, to others or in every aspect of who you are? I am learning the lessons of integrity. I am also learning to understand myself and my new found faith in things much broader and more universal than I ever imagined.

Incidents happen that jolt me and it is when this happens that I realize just how far I have come and how what used to be drama filled for me now has become a blip on the radar screen. It could and probably would be interpreted as "past feeling" but in every real way I am feeling more that I ever though possible.

It came to my attention this week that there are some who feel that my words are an attack against the church. It was funny, in my old life something like that would have thrown me for a loop but what I did was read back all my blog posts and really study what it is my words are saying. I can see on two instances where I did breach the doctrine and in both cases it was an emotional post. One, in being denied the cancellation and the second, in learning of the method of translation of the BOM. In all other cases my words attached the behavior of people.

So it is here I ask the question, is calling attention to the behavior of members attacking the church? My sista says in members eyes and hearts "yes".

So, my question then is, if someone treats someone horribly and the offended person speaks to it, in the mere vocalizing the pain this attacks all? I find that if the culture itself can excuse the behavior and hide behind the doctrine as excuse for accountability who then can make anyone accountable?

So my words are to blame for the ostracizing. OK, I am willing to own that, it's actually nice to know why but who owns the spiritual bullying? Is disagreeing with the way people treat each other worthy of shunning? I guess if you are Mormon, the answer would be yes.

I think it's deeper, I think it resides more in fear. That's my gut instinct here.

I find this is where I see integrity blur. If you follow the edicts of the Mormon faith then how do you reconcile the brutality of the culture against some people? If you have an answer let me know, oh wait, if I remember correctly its all about forgiveness not accountability. It is for me to have continued to endure Sunday's and continually seek a forgiving heart for those who PURPOSEFULLY set out to judge and hurt and not about a change in behavior, EVER.

Yup, I wanna be there for sure. The perfect storm happened. ow, when a member says the church doesn't currently practise polygamy I can't speak up and defend that statement false as I am currently in a polygamous marriage and have been denied the right to not be. By even writing the words I am anti and deserving of shunning. OK, I accept that, its the price I am willing to pay to be integral to my truth.

That's the definition of integrity - in accepting both good and bad to what we believe and if we can't then we must find our integrity. If it falls within the tenants of the Mormon faith I absolutely respect it. I am not about proving anyone wrong, that was and is not the intention of this blog. This blog is about my journey, my feelings, my life and when it's referenced to others as ANTI MORMON all I ask is that you have the integrity to call me so we can have a chat and I can explain that I have no offense to your truths, your beliefs and and your living of the Mormon faith then maybe we can find some resolution. What I ask is for the respect to see my life for what is now. Healed, strong and connected in every way to a GOD I very much believe in and to whom I trust LOVES everyone equally.

I am sorry that I have offended some of you, for doing so I apologise but I will not stop drawing attention to a culture that feels right with treating others disrespectfully if they differ or think differently. God judges, not a culture and when that is remembered you run into a Mormon so amazing you can't help but be impressed. I have met a few and for that reason I still have hope.

My sister in law is a perfect example.

So here is what I ask, instead of telling people I am ANTI MORMON call me so we can talk so you can really hear that I am not, that I respect faith and the living of it honorably. That's it, it's that easy. Oh wait, it's that easy if you want it to be.

To Matter

To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - that is to have succeeded. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and the ups and downs of the living of it. Most of the time I feel pretty good about it all but there is a certain time of year that seems to always have me realize a deeper hurt and chasm of pain. Oct and Nov are difficult and it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why.

Mom passed on Oct 4 and it brings back a pain that only those that have lost their Mom's understand. The second is my birthday. I can say why but its mute in point. I thought this year would be different but it wasn't and it was hard and it made me think about what it takes to matter, to be the kind of person that people care enough to remember and to matter enough to well, I don't know, just matter I guess.

My Mom mattered and when I tried to remember what her 50th birthday was like, I couldn't remember but what I do know is that the gift I gave her was her first grand daughter K1. I remember her telling me what a great late present it was. She had flown into TO and K1 wasn't in a hurry.

As i was in the midst of a self indulged pity party I started to think that maybe mattering is something that happens by simple and long running acts of caring and that it happens when the people you love start to understand because they have others in their lives who may not be making them matter. Mom used to say that your daughters/son will learn a new way of loving you when they have their own children, that has proven true.

So, what am I on about. 50 came and went - some remembered, some didn't and some redeemed themselves. With everything that is going wrong in my life I took it far to personally and I need to focus more on NOW and get through the difficult stuff like work and losing my faith and focus on getting to the point of mattering because if I wasn't there I would be missed.

That takes time and I have time. Time to love my kids even more unconditionally, to care even more about those precious grand babies and start trying to re-establish faith again and quit mourning the faith that didn't really care that much about me in the first place.

At the end of the day, everyone yearns to matter in the lives of others. I have learned to matter we need to be proactive. to make a difference in the lives of those we love by caring and eventually you will matter.... eventually you will.

 

M - R - J Oct 14 - 2011

My BBG # 3 asked the other day why I hadn't blogged about this precious little guy. I had and have a dozen times and every time I think I have it right I reread it and it just isn't. I don't know how to pen the way I feel about this little man and about being there the very moment he look his first breath. How can I, it was, for me, the most live changing thing I have been through in such a very long time.

BBG, my Mom and I talked about those moments. We talked about what it was like for her as I struggled through each pregnancy and birth and how helpless she felt. How I felt that day, that night and that morning as I watched you struggle and suffer and realised the moment you loved in a way you had never felt before.
I can't describe how I felt as M slept on the couch and you rested as the Dr provided the needed relief. You were laying there and the monitor was going and M's heart beat was beating over and over and there I was about to see the little man who was changing all of our lives for the better. It was just about then that you woke in such agony and pain, your epidural had gone dry.  I went out and asked for help and everyone was busy attending another woman's moment and as I felt helpless I felt her, I felt her like when I was walking with little C and she guided me to know exactly what to do and exactly what to say.
Did you know she was there, holding his hand as he readied to meet you.
That's why I haven't been able to blog about it sweetie, because from that moment until about a hour after M joined us she was there, she knew I needed her and she knew you did too. It is a moment in my life that I will cherish.

I will forever remember the gift little M brought that day.

Time, time with my Mom.