On Being a Mam.

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

I have been blessed beyond comprehension these last few days to witness the emergence of a family. You see in your own so much of the JOY and comfort that comes from the love of your first born and the changes that can happen.

Grandma L used to say that in that moment you look into your first born's eyes you know, for the first time, what it means to love something more than yourself. I see it everyday with K and C. I am so proud of her, so proud of her journey.

This Grandma thing is to incredible. It is EVERYTHING Mom said and more.  C is one of the biggest loves of my life. Is is true about "loving them more", it just is.

A New Beginning

There are tropical birds cawing out my window and I am in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been and I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude it is amazing.  I am a Grandma and I fell in love with a beautiful boy named C in a way I never thought imaginable. Grandma L was right, so very right in just how much more love there is to give to grandchildren.

I flew out three days after his birth to a country, heck, a hemisphere I have never been before and wept in an airport full of strangers because there in front of me was my beautiful daughter, her partner, and my C, a redefined family so full of love and hope and JOY.

As I have witnessed this family these past few days I began to be envious. What I would have given all those years ago to have what K has in A and in his love for that little boy. I am an intruder into this social unit, a welcome one, but none the less, K, A and C are a family, loved, cared for and honored by so many around them. It is a privilege to be a witness to the birth of a new generation of this family.

My camera has been going steady. Someone commented on my skills as a photographer and my reply was simple; it's easy with the subjects I shoot.

So, just those few years ago when my life started to change and I could see a light at the end of a very dismal tunnel I never knew or could have hoped for all that has been so graciously given. I have a wonderful husband, incredible children and now, beautiful grandchildren.

No religion can define my family and call it whole or true. I thinks that's where I get the emotions that have no place here at this time so I will let them go. I am Grandma, I am the woman who will love C and B and H and all the others that will come just because, without condition, without many expectations. Just the Grandma rules of;
no hurting others,
no hurting yourself and
no hurting things.

Oh, and I promise a freezer full of freezes and a cupboard full of stale licorice and life lessons about glass houses and integrity.

I wouldn't miss this for the world. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more important than watching my daughter hold her son and see what this life is all about - FAMILY.

She's a natural, just like I thought she'd be.

Charlie

Meet Charlie Harold Collins; born Australian time, Sept 7, 2011, 9:01 AM. He's a JOY and a blessing. So happy he got here safe and sound.

Waiting

Today is my first grand baby's birthday. Where he/she is it's the 7th of Sept but where I sit, it's the 6th. I know my beautiful first daughter went in at 4:30pm for her c'section and I know I am supposed to wait patiently but I can't. Every worry possible is going through my mind, every worse case scenario playing through my mind. Do I have a grand daughter or grand son? How do I not go crazy waiting????

Baby girl #1, my very heart and soul is praying more than I ever have right now. I am sending so much positive karma out and ..........

OMG - IT'S A

Courage

People define things so differently. Today, while volunteering I learned a lesson without even purposely trying. Let me explain. IZ has trouble understanding how some words connect to others and we talk about the meanings these connections give to words that can most definitely make them different from each other.

Now, how that circumstance gave me pause and created another "aha" moment.

Here is what I am on about.
I read an email that called into question the courage one of my children was exercising. The words were something to the effect that it took courage to follow the doctrines of the church and that this child simply hadn't any or at least was failing himself. Oops, that gave who away.

At first reading I was ANGRY but the wonderful thing about movement to indifference to my feelings about the author of the email is that I quickly calmed myself and and realized that in the very defining of courage two people may see a similar situation or circumstance completely different. Though some may call a young man's movement away from the church as a lack of courage others may see it as courage.

D has struggled enormously with the abandonment of his father. Details won't matter but it hasn't been easy. I would never call D's actions a lack of courage but more a result of disappointment and enlightenment. Calling it out as this author did only made D's disappointment worse and can be used as reason to never look again at a religion that would call itself ahead of family relationships especially since it is supposed to be so family centered.

It also calls into question the courage or lack thereof of someone who constantly defaults to a religion as excuse for abuse or dysfunctional parenting. Faith should never be reason or excuse for inflicting emotional harm or result in the dysfunction in parenting of a child. This mantra is part of a very broken record repeated and repeated never to be heard.

Our examples, whether good or bad to others has an effect on the belief or lack thereof in so much of the lives we live. I see people all the time; I have been personally hurt by these individuals utilizing the name of the Mormon church in their actions. I know many that cringe at it and yet, time and time again it happens to the point where some people walk away and find a truth, or at least a different truth for themselves.

How I wish I could lash out not just at the person but the many who use a passive aggressive stand to control or manipulate the lives of people they swear they love.


To the author of the email;

Your son is anything but a coward. Of course he is different then you, Thank GOD! If you spent more time in unconditional connections instead of passing judgment you might find that he is one hell of an amazing human being and BTW, some of the most incredible men I know who treat their families and their fellow human beings better than you did or will, did not, as you wrote, have the courage to follow the doctrines and serve.

I can't address this to you specifically - you walked away from any kind of parenting years ago and since the "righteous" man that you are can't even grasp the concept of co-parenting or even financial child support why don't you turn your criticism elsewhere and let you son continue to grow and find strength in spite of you.

You'd be surprised to know that we are a great family that has found peace, unconditional love and acceptance and moved on with great courage and strength without you. You have great kids and if you can't see that; leave them alone. I am personally tired of picking up the emotional pieces you intrusions can cause.

I am done venting and I won't make apologies nor will I remove the post, this is our lives and hiding it isn't productive to anyone.

Important Things I Believe and Hope My Grandchildren learn.

I was thinking the other day that in just over 2 weeks I am going to be a full fledged Grandma. Every time I think about it my heart soars with excitement. I can't even describe it. So, these last few days I have wondered, what would be the important things I would want my grandchildren to be taught.
I am actually writing a blog for them and now, it so hard to literally express my hopes and desires for my new grandchildren. Well; today on a forum I love, someone wrote exactly my hopes, and I was inspired.

Here it goes.

I hope my daughters/son teach my grandchildren to trust the light inside them. There is a Mormon scripture: "put your trust in that Spirit which leadeth to do good". There is a light that will let them know, beyond a doubt, which direction is best for them. I hope my grandchildren will learn about it and learn to use it. It matters not how it is taught, it doesn't matter to me; just that they know.

I want them to understand the importance of emotional and intellectual honesty. Their parents come from a very broken home and when the time is right and the lessons of "how not to do it" become clear, I hope they utilize those lessons and break the cycle. The hardest thing to do in life is to admit you are wrong or to see through strong emotions with reality. I think my children know and understand this above almost every average person. Loving truth makes for a healthy life, just be careful when expressed that it comes from good faith and not a need to be right. That's the balance.


I hope they teach my grandchildren about their inner songs and why their hearts will soar in places and times and in moments through out their lives. Nature, people.... all of it serves such a profound purpose in our lives and knowing the reasons can free your soul and open your heart so infinite possibilities of happiness can come into your lives.

I hope that my kids teach their children to love reading, writing, and arithmetic. That embracing learning only enhances living. Never be afraid of learning and NEVER let anyone shut out truth. I learned the hard way that life can be wasted when mental doors are shut.

I want my grandchildren to understand the power of kindness, compassion and caring. Love first, care first, share and give because like great Grandma Lloyd said, "it's never wrong to be a giver". Protect the weak, the vulnerable, the pained. All children are inherently blessed with extremely kind hearts, I hope my children nourish these and allow them to develop the compassion that will change the world.

I know there will be those that will criticize my hopes for my children and grandchildren. I can't and won't demand the teaching of a religion so responsible for so much pain. I do hope that my kids will find the good that was amongst the difficult and find a way to teach my grand babies concepts like how God (a higher power) really did give us the Son/sun and moon and the hope and that being kind does make people smile.

Under it all is the belief that in my children is a song so deep and so strong that as difficult as it can be, being a part of me will some day be seen as a good thing. My Mom didn't go to any extreme to be loved, she just gave unconditional love, always. That's the secret; the source of family. If my children can take her example and live it, they will succeed and their children will be blessed.

I have no fear for my grand kids because of the parent they have in my own child.

Finding Purpose

So the wonderful thing about floundering is the finally finding your purpose again. What I have always known is the church fills your time so you have no time left. When you fall down the social ladder or for that matter get right off you can be left with a bit of time.

What do you do with that spare time?

You find purpose.

I knew what was coming quite some time back and started on the process of being accepted to the "Reading Advantage" program with the Calgary Public Library. All I can say is I feel more fulfilled, more needed, more in sync with my internal song and I am feeling hopeful. Serving outside of the faith is so different. I can't explain fully why excepting it feels like you're reaching beyond your comfort zone and making a difference beyond a world you have always known.  Service is actually redefined.

I am working with a wonderful woman from Japan whose goal is to be able to understand and function in English completely by the time her daughter reaches elementary school. Her daughter is 2. We are reading award winning children's literature, filling out day to day evaluation forms and school papers, practising conversations about poor service and working with the public. I am seeing the world in such a different way, a way that is making me grow. I am finally moving forward in such a profound way.

Service is so redefined for me now. It means more than teaching YW's or primary, compassionate service or working at the "Drop In Center". There is a whole world out there in need, beyond the walls of faith and I am becoming a part of it.

I would have never reached beyond the limits of my past had I not stepped away. For this experience alone, it was and continues to be worth it.

28 Years and Counting

It seems like yesterday and it's not. They say time flies and to me it has evaporated. August 8th marks much more than just a birthday but the start of one of the most extraordinary journeys any woman can undertake. Almost to this moment 28 years ago I was more afraid and more excited than at any other moment in my life. I was alone, I was praying and just outside my door my own mother and father were as afraid as I was.

I can't even begin to express the joy of the moment my first showed her beautiful face. I can't describe the pain or the anxiousness I felt but what I can say is that at that moment I knew what it meant to love someone more than myself. I knew what unselfishness finally meant and I was finally a role that defined so many more generations of women in my family.

My mother came in and held her, with tears, and began to tell me of the triumph and tragedy that this journey would be. Her tears flowing down her face as she expressed just how grateful that she was a she. I would have a friend for the rest of my life. How lucky am I to have been blessed three more times.

28 years ago today I was changed to my core and I am so grateful for that change.

I am who I am today because of that moment.

I am a mother.

Thank you K for giving me such a wonderful gift. Thank you for always being so wonderful and for forgiving me for not always being that.

I feel Mom now all the time as she helps me prepare for my new role, that of Grandma. How lucky am I to being given that.

Happy Birthday K and thank-you, thank-you so much. You have given me so much to be grateful for, so much to be proud of and I want you to know how happy I am for you and for the journey you are about to begin. Your baby will be loved, cherished and cared for in the tradition of amazing woman.  I have no fears for my new grandchild because you will be it's mother.

Life is a circle and I am so much in gratitude for my part in it.

Mountains Calling

It's wonderful to climb the liquid mountains of the sky. Behind me and before me is God and I have no fears. ~ Helen Keller

Today, W and I were feeling a song calling. The wonderful thing about where we live is that we live in close proximity to the mountains and to a sense of peace that comes over us when we are there. Whether we go south to Waterton, west to Kananaskis or Banff or northwest to Jasper tose mountains are majestic and place us in perspective to our journeys.

I try to find new places to photograph, new visions to explore.

Enjoy!



Peace and Other Misnomers

It is late and I may not make any sense but I have felt strongly that I need to clarify that though at times I may sound angry here I am VENTING and because of that I may offend people. For that I am sorry.

There has been so much water under the bridge of my life. Sometimes the water has left scars and changed the topography of my journey and as I move forward I sometimes veer off and find myself floundering. I make quick corrections and it helps and then I smile.

I am smiling now.

Peace is something that is intoxicating. I find it more now than I ever have. It reaches into my heart the very moment I think twice about this journey I am on and levels my anxiety.

What you all need to understand is that I am, above all, a freakin mother grizzly bear and when it comes to my kids never question it. I am also my husbands wife and I love him more than life itself, he too has my support. I understand family now more than ever. I get it.

A few weeks back, on one of my camera adventures, we came across a once in a lifetime experience. As I watched this beautiful animal mother her cubs I finally got the saying about "mother bears". Life has so much that makes twists and turns happen unexpectantly. I have had my fair share these last few years. The one thing that remains constant are the roles I love so much; wife, mother. That hasn't changed for me, it never will.

So, if my words are offensive, I am sorry. My hope is that at some point, these words will matter and make a difference to the lives of those who make my roles matter. Life has changed me, it has brought a whole new truth and wisdom, one I am unafraid of. Fear is something that has essentially disappeared from my life. It is, as so eloquently worded, a wonderful life.