Sometimes I Get Angry.

For every minute you remain angry, you give

up sixty seconds of peace of mind.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

It's been a hard week, harder than I have had in quite a while. I find myself getting angry about so much and when my head space gets here it can sometimes spin out of control and internal implosion is eminent. I usually have to purge the whole emotional baggage on a regular basis or episodes like this can be disabling. Thousands of dollars in therapy have helped me to understand the signs of all of it catching up to me again and then the only thing that helps is a big pity party, crying it out and feeling completely purged.

So what is it that gets me angry?

Difficult people. Works been tough. All that needs said.

Winter. By this time of year I am just tired of it. It's been a mild winter but there is a dullness; a grayness really and it seems to just rest itself all around the city for a solid 6 months and when we get in to that sixth month it is just old. Waking up so early and coming home so late means hardly ever seeing the sunlight. It can get tough. Now, everything is going brown and moldy and my asthma has a field day. Nor trips to the mountains seem to cure this. Maybe the upcoming 12 day cruise in Hawaii will help, well maybe is the wrong word. 12 days in paradise is the absolutely the prescription to the melancholy of the winter blues.

Injustice. People suffer and when those who are good have been stricken down I get upset with the Big Guy. I still don't have all those issues sorted yet. I believe in God but I still don't get Him. I think all the twisted and torn doctrines of my childhood interfere with my reasoning here but sometimes I just want to go..... "huh, WTH, was that necessary?"

I was brought back to a moment this past week when Mom had to tell us she had Cancer. I can't imagine the anguish she felt as she gathered her children to her home and let us know. I remember my reaction, the deep guttural realization that there would come a time when I wouldn't have her. Those are the moments that change you. Now. 10 years after that moment, looking at where I am without her I have nothing but gratitude for being blessed with such an extraordinary woman in my life. Yeah, it sucks that she's not here but she left us all in fairly great shape with some amazing skills I know I utilize everyday.

Family - sometimes family can be the biggest source of our emotions. I wish I could be home and be a full time grandma but I can't be. I still hold M to blame for this. Probably best to let that go.

I cave at these points. I know I am emotionally healthy because I recognise exactly what it is that I am doing. I force myself to normal with school and volunteering and babysitting. It gets me out of the pit.

Weakness is the reality of our family. Strength is also very much a part of it as well.

I am just finding my strength, it's an never ending process.

Pity party is over.