Dumbfounded

Disclaimer -

to strong and active Mormons -

this will offend you - Don't read.

So, normally I just let some of the bloggernacle stuff blow over but today, I was dumbfounded. Actually, after I thought about it for a while, It kind of made sense. I just needed to recognize the pattern.


What am I talking about?


A professor at BYU names Randy Botts; some statements he made and then; the almighty MORG and the axe that literally came crashing down.


Mostly, I don't care about all things Mormon now days. I care about how it affects me personally but after that, hmmmft, it is what it is. Today though, I am a bit perturbed, it's an underdog kind of thing I think. I guess I am more like my Mom than I thought.


Synopsis - BYU religion professor gives The Washington Post a brief and telling history in his own narrative of why the LDS church didn't give the blacks the priesthood, explaining as he did, I am sure from his personal narrative what was the history of the practice of rasism pre lifting of the ban of the priesthood to African Americans.


I read the article; I grew up in the very church that denied people of colour the priesthood. I sat in the seminary classes, the religion classes, and the Sunday School classes where I was taught from the corelated manuals produced by the church that skin color WAS an indication of one's condition in the pre-existence. That "dark and loathsome" was indicative of sin. PERIOD.


I remember a long and drawn out conversation with a seminary teacher as I realized my good friend, whose father was black, would never be allowed to experience the temple (1975). I felt helpless as she left the church feeling defeated before she even started dating. No Mormon man who wanted a temple wedding was ever going to fall in love with her. I asked why the supposed sins of generations so far back fell on her. My seminary teacher couldn't answer it but defaulted to the B.S. answer of "it will all work out in heaven." You have no idea how that answer as haunted me to this day.


In 1978, as the priesthood ban was lifted I felt exhilarated. It didn't matter to many though as they still held fast to the belief that skin color was somehow tied to some kind of indication of valency prior to coming to earth. I could share some of the warped and twisted beliefs of my ex but I won’t give them the time or credence.


Slowly, as the church started expanding its missionary work into Africa and was failing in it's efforts here on this continent I saw the church trying to erase it's very history. BIG SURPRISE THERE! It's not like erasing history is new right?


So why am I mad? Professor Bott did not misspeak to what was the cultural and literal history of the reasons why the LDS church denied the priesthood to the blacks as he most likely was taught. AS WRONG AS IT IS AND WAS - his words spoke to a truth that many LDS members lived by and thought, no, were taught to believe.

I celebrated and shouted for joy that day in 1978 driving down Macleod Trail listening to the radio when I heard the church had dropped the ban. It was wrong and I knew in my heart it was always wrong. I have always stood against the assertion that skin color had anything to do with anyone’s beliefs or valency or goodness. WE ARE ALL EQUAL IN THE SIGHT OF THE LORD.


So, how does the church react to Brother Bott’s statements? (See church news website)

Now, do they cough up to the reasons for the ban; Nope. Big surprise there.What they do do is they throw him right under the bus. Typical paatern. No doubt, Professor Bott's job is gone; his life forever changed, he becomes villified all for speaking what was for many of us a doctrine taught over and over again. How sad.

If he still believes that "doctrine" then shame on him but if his words were only speaking to the history of the "doctrine"then shame on the church for openly condeming him. They should condemn themselves.

Through the history of the church this is the procedure. When the church needed statehood for Utah and the US legislature unearthed the current practice of polygamy STILL happening for years after the manifesto - (1890-1904, some sat longer), what does the Wilford Woodruff, who had just recently entered into his own umpteenth marriage do? He takes 2 of members of the quorum of the twelve, parades them though an excommunication, publicly slapping their hands and says "see, we do excommunicate men who practice polygamy" and then promptly continues to take on more wives himself. (This is the history of the church that they hide for reasons plainly clear.)

So why does this bother me, well, you see, Brother Botts was reprimanded not for what he said but for saying it in the first place. Maybe the right thing to do is to realistically and promptly cough up to the ugly racism that existed within the doctrines of the church, OWN IT so that is can't and won't happen again.

Ok wait, the church is still full of "ism"s. Sexism is alive and strong, and thrives under the "doctrines" of the church. And please, don't even get me started about the 'Ism" of Prop 8. How many young people have to die because of the warped and backwards teaching that forces shame on them and makes famillies choose between a child and a belief.

Yeah, it's another one of those "leave the church but can't leave it alone" moments. This time though, it reached my computer screen and shouted for a comment. So I wrote my 2 cents worth.

So glad that the "ism's" of the LDS church are no longer a part of my life.

Free at last, Free at last.

HF - ARE YOU REALLY THERE?

I was listening to a podcast on apostasy the other day at work, it was odd. As the comments were made and apostasy defined, much like the "aha" moment of the defining of a cult I realized, by definition, I am an "apostate". I am one who once believed something or held to an ascribed set of religious values who no longer believes. Yup, full on apostate. Yikes.

So, what am I on about?

What brought me here, what took me to a place where my heart could open up and I could come to terms with all that didn't make sense for me, and then it walk away and more importantly, does it even matter?

I think not, at least for me anyway.

I spent a huge amount of my life dedicated to a faith I thought had my back. It didn't strike me that there were so many hoops and conditions to acceptance and that the club was all about "who you knew" and not who you are. In the end, I felt like I was living through an episode of mean girls or in this case we could call it mean High Priests. And in the very same way some are so grateful for the end of their high school experiences because it felt like torture, I to am so very glad my church experiences are over.

So Parkland ward - let me tell you why your actions after I left really for me sealed the deal.

I can do that by telling of an instance that happened.

About 6 months ago, during one of only about 3 times when members of the ward officially reached out to me, the following happened. (You'd think I would have mattered more to the ward but I learned soon enough that what I thought about how they felt was soon proven by their actions.) Anyway, back to the story. W and I had a busy morning gardening and getting the tomatoes ready for harvesting, W had slipped out and there was a knock on the door. It was the sister missionaries. I was polite and respectful and asked them a simple question; "who sent you?" She asked if it mattered; I said it did. She asked why?

I then preceded to ask her that the next time she was at the missionary meeting to ask each person there if they had ever been a guest in my home? Had they ever partaken of a dinner, a lunch, an evening by the pool, if at anytime had I ever feed them, given them refuge or welcomed them into my home? Could I have ever been called a "friend"? I said that it would be my guess that virtually everyone sitting there would answer "yes". I then asked why this ward would then send a complete stranger to ask me back. She had no answer. How could she? I thanked her for her concern but reminded her that people leave the church for many reasons, some illogical, some emotional and some are absolutely necessary and for a few of us, all three reasons applied.

I have faced my demons, the struggle for me wasn't easy and though there are some that may disagree, I have conquered them.

When I ask, HF - are you really there, HE IS!

I have faith, conviction and hope. I love all that is belief and still have a strong and abiding faith in GOD not a church. It just doesn't have conditions. There are no "ONLY Trues" in it and no referencing happiness as having been a result of a membership but rather a universal truth that resides within me. I found happiness along the way and soon realized that the bumps in the road aren't punishments or tests but life, pure and simple. It sucks sometimes but real people are always there waiting to put out a hand to you. These real people don't have prerequisites to caring, they aren't assigned friends like visiting teachers or home teachers, they just do it because.

If I sound pissed, I am sorry. I am not. I went from a congregation of assigned "friends" to very few but whose left standing are real. I am so grateful for that.

So I was surprised when the other day, I went for dinner with 3 of the woman I went to Laurel class with over 35 years ago. As we were reminiscing and I was listening I was in awe of these great woman. First, there was no judgment of me, they were never the type in the first place, and second; living had taken a toll. Three divorces, one widow, children, grandchildren, jobs, loss of parents. Life stories full of tragedy and hope and compassion. A lot of living had passed under life's bridge.

No one asked them to include me, they just did because membership in a church wasn't a requirement.

These are the kind of members that help me to understand that though I am an "apostate", I am not an "Anti-Mormon", contra to what my BW is saying. These woman help to make it less about what's wrong and more about what was right. There are not the SP's wife, the B's wife or the auxiliary president, they are simple, good and faithful people. I felt safe and unjudged. I took a chance because I wasn't sure it would be like that. It was, why did I ever doubt it would have been any other way?

So, though at times it is hard to realize you weren't even worth the effort of a Bishop showing up at your door to see where you have been there will always be good people in and amongst those who have hurt you in the church. When I remember that, it becomes less about the anger and more about a journey that helped to make me who I am today.

As much as you can take yourself out of the church, 50 years of living it just doesn't erase itself. HF is there, he always was and always will be, I just see Him a bit differently now.

My Alberta

I spend so much of my free time with HB - W, traveling this beautiful province looking for the next great landscape. I have found my true song along the back roads and logging trails in the Kananaskis, Banff, Jasper and the Hoodoo's of eastern Alberta. My song is along every road, every mountain, every valley.

I used to laugh about people who wanted their ashes spread across different places and now, that makes sense. I am this place, it is in my veins. How could it not be?

ENJOY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThFCg0tBDck

War- .....

Something happened to me today that shifted my paradigm dramatically. I am going to write about it and hopefully it can process through in some meaningful way.

We have a fire in the dump on the reserve just outside the city limits. It has wreaked havoc on our neighborhood as a heavy thick smoke lays amongst the houses and in our home, it feels and smells like someone left the fireplace flue closed. I have felt my lungs tighten throughout the last few days and as I have medicated them and increased the dose to compensate for the heavy lungs the steroid rage has been building up. I have had asthma for sometime now. I know the rage. It takes a lot to control but I have learned to manage it.

I looked so forward after a difficult day to go to the library and have an evening with Iz. As we were sitting going through "Tuesdays with Morrie" I looked over to the Internet cubicles and witnessed a horrific scene. A woman, clearly a strong practising Muslim  with the full ha jib was watching scenes on YouTube of war. Graphic violent images were flashing across the screen and as the woman watched tears began to flow and she slowly laid her head into her hands. Over and over again, the images showed death. Young children strewn across a road, laying on a table, women's arms thrown in the air is grief and men, clearly killed laying in the streets with flags draped across their bodies.

IZ looked at me and we both felt helpless. I got up, went over and placed my arm on her shoulder. As she looked up I saw the ache in her face, the horror of her heart apparent. I placed my arms around her and all I could muster was "I am so sorry". She whispered, "this is my country, my city, these are my people. My government is killing my people." "I am so sorry", I whispered back. Her young daughters gathered around her, I looked to Iz and tears were flowing down her cheeks. War is not easy, war is so wrong and at that moment, three women from three different cultures felt its affects. I am not saying our pain was equal to the woman from Syria but  the same instinct, the same maternal instinct left anger behind and only felt the emotion of the wrongs that war bring.

I thank God everyday that my country is safe, my liberty guaranteed, at least for know and I am grateful that I live where a Muslim, and ex-Mormon and a faithful woman could find a commonness that looked past the differences and saw all that is wrong with a world that just doesn't get it. I wish I could have done more, I wish there was something more that could be done.

New goal - world peace - ONE WOMAN AT A TIME!

Nature's Temples - My Serenity.

I only went out for a walk

and finally concluded to stay out till sundown,

for going out,

I found,

was really going in.

~John Muir

I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature,

which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright.

~Henry David Thoreau

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings.

Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees.

The winds will blow their own freshness into you,

and the storms their energy,

while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. 

~John Muir

God writes the gospel not in the Bible alone,

but on trees and flowers and clouds and stars.

  ~Author unknown

Look at the trees,

look at the birds,

look at the clouds,

look at the stars...

and if you have eyes

you will be able to see that the whole existence is joyful.

Everything is simply happy.

Trees are happy for no reason;

they are not going to become prime ministers or presidents

and they are not going to become rich

and they will never have any bank balance.

Look at the flowers - for no reason.

It is simply unbelievable how happy flowers are.

~Osho

I thank you God for this most amazing day,

for the leaping greenly spirits of trees,

and for the blue dream of sky

and for everything which is natural,

which is infinite, which is yes.

~e.e. cummings

I remember a hundred lovely lakes,

and recall the fragrant breath of pine

and fir and cedar and poplar trees.

The trail has strung upon it,

as upon a thread of silk,

opalescent dawns and saffron sunsets.

It has given me blessed release from care and worry

and the troubled thinking of our modern day.

It has been a return to the primitive and the peaceful.

Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood

and benumbs my brain,

I seek relief in the trail;

and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn,

my cares fall from me

 - I am happy.

~Hamlin Garland

To Idaho - with love.

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future." ~ Deepak Chopra

Did you ever have moments where a scenario has played out over and over again in your mind and you thought that for sure your rehearsed reaction would instinctively play out as rehearsed and then B*A*M*, something completely different emerges and you wonder, maybe that was what the result should have always been. Maybe karma won out.

My blog entries have never been something I have been super concerned about. I would think about where my head space is and then find some profound quote that would address my heart and then comment accordingly. Well, that changed because of a few circumstances in the last few months and now, I find myself, thinking before I write and that affects my integrity. So I am going to address a concern and move forward, without regrets and hope those that can feel the emotion of my words understand the full purpose of why I write and why it matters to me.

I started this blog out of necessity. I was just leaving a horrific marriage that as everyone looked in they could only see the façade that was built around the crumbling home we had because M would have it no other way. I left in silence sharing only my most intimate thoughts with my bishop, my tight circle of friends and my Dr. W with the words penned on what was mostly and anomalous blog site.

That road wasn’t easy. It was a friggin Mt. Everest of climbs and I managed. I have survived and for the most part I have kept in tact the remnants of what could have been and is now becoming one hell of a family. My children are amazing, my new husband; a God send.

I look back every now and then to remind myself of just how far we have all come. Serenity is an absolute in our home and being there a pleasure. The quiet and peace is beautiful and expected. Sunday afternoon dinners, babysitting new grandsons, laughter and safety all reside within the walls of our home. It is wonderful. No one dictates how it should be because it just is a natural flow of respect, honor, compassion and reasonable expectations. A team work approach we all love and respect each other. It isn’t perfect, NOTHING IS, but is wonderful all the same.

I am aware that my ex’s family read this blog. I have no issues with that. Maybe a glimpse in will correct some of the falsehoods that have been spoken, maybe it will only further enhance the distrust and hatred I felt so clearly for the months and years after I left. That was the hardest part of all of those years. Watching my family treat a monster with kindness because that was what the gospel expected and the opposite so true for me. I was the villain. The conception that I was taking everything and hurting intentionally was so apparent and NEVER once I felt was my side considered as the communication completed stopped. I became dead to them. Dr. W taught me to understand that I couldn’t take it personally. It didn’t matter because in the end, blood was thicker that water.

I can’t even begin to have you understand what it was like to go to the temple and face DINI. No hiding her name here. Over and over again I had reports of her disparaging remarks, her outright lies and her personal attacks on my character. One of the last times I was there she ran through the temple to a friend and told him she couldn’t believe I was there, how my unworthiness should have kept me out. My friends apologized, begged me to try harder and ignore her attacks but I couldn’t, it was over. There was no peace there and there wouldn’t be as long as she remained a worker. I found it so ironic that the people most vocal were the ones assigned to work in God’s house. I think that was one of the reasons it became so easy to open my heart to different truths. If people like that were the esteemed members of a church assigned in one of the most sacred places administering the most sacred of ordinances, what did that say about that church?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know of some incredible people who serve unselfishly without malice towards anyone in the temple but the culture of Mormonism tends; as do all inclusive cultures, to promote judgment and exclusion. I wasn’t measuring up as the voices most vocal against me were very strong. I just grew weary of a fight that should never have happened in the first place and walked away. Church should never be about proving who you are to anyone but yourself and when the voices of criticism are so strong that you can’t get away that says more about the culture than the offended. And please, don’t even get me started about a culture that puts the onus on those who are hurt and not those doing the hurting.

Had the circumstances not happened in the way that they did I doubt I could have found the peace and contentment I have and enjoy so much now. For that reason alone I am grateful for the journey that has been mine. There is a part of me that would love to speak to so much more than I am going to but thus lay the rub. Why bother? That would be repeating a dysfunctional unproductive past and that boat sunk long ago. What I will address is simple.

Anything you heard is subjective. Much like the words I pen. They are my opinion. Families make choices in divorce. Some make sense, others seem just plain wacked. Co-parenting was never an option M wanted. There is a lot to be said about how much easier it has been since he disappeared from the picture. He pokes his head in once in a while. When he does it usually comes with some sort of passive aggressive judgment. You can bet that I have heard it said that he gloats at how he felt “right about me all along”. Little does he recognize he is very much the architect of much of the hurt, angry feelings we all have to the church and the people.

As far as Dini goes, I have no doubt she too gloats. She is probably the best thing I lost in the divorce. Her absence out of our lives is wonderful. Something should be said about someone who glorifies stirring the pot. As much as she tried to pit sister-in-laws against each other half of what she said was mostly her own words put into the mouth of others. I didn’t learn that until it was too late. I think my eyes were opened the most in that account as I watched her try to manipulate opinions within the walls of the temple. I have since learned the psychosis of the behavior and learned to at least understand where it comes from. It’s a shame really as she also is one of the most enduring women I know. She manages to survive in spite of it all. She is not well liked by many. I heard it said that it doesn’t matter what we do to people as much as it matters how we left them feeling. Because of her I think so much more deeply upon the relationships I have and how I leave a person when I go. I guess you could say she helped me become a better person. I should thank her for that.

I miss my nieces and nephews. I liked their strong spirits. Much judgment was passed on them behind their backs. Much was attributed to me. I am going to make the record straight. I liked them all, I thought highly of their abilities and more about the way they addressed their lives. No apologies. They have a great mother; strong and determined. She is the glue to that family and the push to her husband. J and C are good people. Their dynamics were not an indication of weakness on anyone’s behalf but a testament to finding the strengths in each other and making them work. All I ever heard was about missed potential. What I saw and argued for was that they were happy in their own dynamics and I believe that. J is complete with C; priesthood isn’t about control and being “the man of the house” as much as it is an act of respect. They are a good family, always were and always will be. I want that out there. I admired their relationship and had only wished that those with the strong opinions could have seen the value in what they had, the dynamics that made them both happy. Others opinion that are so strong in the authority of men and the priesthood missed the point that holding an honoring the priesthood doesn’t mean control of everyone in your home. I always felt that J, of all the men in that family, was more in keeping with what GOD intended all along when it came to honoring the priesthood and in being the head of a household. Less demanding and more do. It’s all mute now though, in S family tradition, a divorce excises that woman from the family, history just repeated itself.

So what’s my point here? Closure I think more than anything else. I didn’t just quit a marriage. Years and years of therapy only work when two parties listen and vow to change. M believed and still does that the whole problem was that I couldn’t honor his priesthood. Not God’s priesthood that was a gift given him but his priesthood, one in which he extolled strict obedience. In time, it became abusive and hurt so many people. I behaved badly – therapy allows me to recognize that but more importantly, it taught me to behave better and to change. M refused to change – in his eyes he wasn’t at fault. Dr W helped me to know that continuing in the marriage would have ended tragically. Walking away saved not only my life but saved a family. We are what we are today, salvaged and renewed because of change, Thank God for change.

So if reading the blog gives a glimpse in to the renewal of my family so be it. M’s family is still my children’s family. I honor that. My children are adults and make their own choices. I have and continue to honor their right to choose whatever journey they pursue no matter who is a part of it, including their father or his family. I have no control over nor have any right to an opinion of what that relationship is. I would not be a good mother if I wasn’t worried but in the end, they define it and they choose whether M is in their life or not. So, I guess what I am trying to say contrary to M’s opinion, he is the architect to the healing. He needs to hear what it is they need and instead of constantly giving them what he thinks they want, maybe he could listen and give them what is needed to heal it all and please know, I get that it’s just my opinion.

So I am going back to blogging about my journey without worries. It’s been hard to get to a point in my life where what others thought didn’t matter to me. I am one with God and with the universe. I have faith and strength I didn’t even imagine I had and I am moving forward with JOY. I hope they understand that, it’s all I can ask.

Let me address them;

Welcome to my blog and please know, you mattered to me and that I am grateful for having been your sister-in-law, aunt and friend. I recognize those roles no longer have meaning in a literal sense but they mattered to me at one time and I just wanted you to know that.

However Hard

Anyone can carry his burden,

however hard, until nightfall.

Anyone can do his work,

however hard, for one day.

Anyone can live sweetly, patiently,

lovingly, purely,

till the sun goes down.

And this is all life really means.

~Robert Louis Stevenson

All I have to say for now, be back soon.

Resolve

One week later and I am still sitting on the proverbial fence as to what to do. It's been an enlightened week. I had a one on one with my new manager and I was able to voice some of my concerns and resolved on moving forward. I think I have a handle on what is and isn't the workplace realities for my job. I have done some soul searching and I think I know which direction works best for me, what are the aspects of my life necessary to endure and what goals are realistic to conquer to insure that my future is bright enough to maybe dawn a pair of shades.

Now the big question - do I watch what I say, change the direction of a blog that for over 3 years has been my voice; or do I shut it all down and revert to paper and pen? The answer?

Simply put - continue on as is.

My life may not look "right" for some who look in but I am comfortable with my choices and happy at the way it is going. A future for me has possibilities of being full and happy and that comes from a resolve to know myself and to find a way to balance all if it and realise that in the balance the living a full life happens. 

Nothing is perfect - nor does it have to be. When I finally figured out that perfection is, as the Hebrew tradition relates, finding it in oneself and not in the determination of what others expect, I have found a happiness and resolve in my life that makes no excuses. I am, quite literally shocked, at the sanity of it all.

So I resolve to continue in the hope that someday my words will matter. That the journey I am on will have a significance to my posterity. I was recently reading the journal of one of JS's many wives. I am sure the intent of her written words were never what they have become but all the same, her words matter, deeply.

So, for those who read, take head, I resolve to continue. I will take the time to pay attention to the intent of my message, write for those that matter and hope that someday, someone, somewhere will read them and relate and find comfort and hope. It's all I can ask.

Choices

Blogs and their purpose. I seriously had an AHA moment yesterday and nearly, really close I have to say, dropped this blogging thing all together.

It's been a long time since I have been in a situation where I was mocked or made fun of in front of myself. I hate that when it happens, I remember long ago, when I was YW president, one of the Laurels and her NM visiting friend openly made fun of two of the other girls in a way that only they would know. It was obvious enough to make quite a few people uncomfortable but I do remember saying that words can hurt so we should mind them. It wasn't until later I realized that those words were intended for my own daughter.

Yesterday we had our Christmas social for our group at work. A hard working group of young to middle young people and me and G - the old farts edging ourselves to retirement. I am jealous because G is actually counting down. I have been having issues with my new manager. I will say that he is nothing like my old one and it will have to suffice.

I realize this blog is a public forum, I have thought hard about privatizing it and for a number of reasons I have chosen otherwise. I understand because it is a public blog I need to be mindful, thus the letters for names and the mostly "step back" ( I have to admit I can sometimes step beyond the limits) attitude.

THIS BLOG IS FOR MY CHILDREN!

On my book shelf is a book created by my brother from the journals of a great aunt suffering from an unknown diagnosis who travels to Turkey on the orient express in the late 1800's. I also have the journals of other family members lovingly reproduced by other relatives. I come from a long line of writers who spoke to their journeys, spoke about hardships, happiness and growth. This time, this is the medium, this is the portal for my words and later, when I am gone, it is my hope that my words will matter.

So what am I on about?

I ended up across the table from the bain of my existence, my new manager. He is uncommunicative, hard to get to know, and well, in consideration of what is going to follow I will stop there.

We we having one of the short interchanges and a comment was made about blogging; a kind of "heads-up" comment. It came out of nowhere and was left dangling because right at that moment I realized that maybe this blog has been accessed by some I had least expected ever would.

My FAULT!

The part that got me was the mocking, like it was some kind of trailer trash thing to do. That hurt.

I am still processing it though.

I have literally become non existent on FB because a co-worker took advantage of it and threw me under a bus and now, every social conscious I have wants to shut this down as well but this is how I communicate, this is what I do do work through and discover truths, ways to cope and manage the heart and head of a growing journey. This is my "journey journal" written entirely for posterity.

I hate critics, I hate haters. I have to think this through.

I may be out of action for a while.

Day 2 - 2012

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.”

I love New Year's. Not the night or the parties but the concept of a beginning of a new year and a new start. This year seems different and I am not sure why. I am hoping it's because I have entered the second trimester of healing according to Dr. W. She spoke of the three terms of healing that coincide with the length of your marriage. The second trimester is for indifference and healing relationships. I can't for the life of me see a circumstance where M and I would ever converse but I know that now all I feel for him his indifference and maybe a bit of pity. (yikes, I really penned that).

I can't imagine living without the voices of my children or grandchildren in my life. Of only seeing them through borrowed pictures. I know that there was a time when my children have, each of them, distanced themselves from me and even me from them but nothing would impede me from resolution. Forgiveness, as difficult a journey as ever I have been on is so worth it. I understand the concept of autonomy and decision making for adults (thank-you MOM) and my children our amazing human beings making individual choices. God loves them and it isn't any one's right, including their father's to impose judgement. It's in the judging that M loses his kids. My children have no idea where he even lives right now. I have decided to step away from it all. As adults my children make their own decisions, they have been for many years. I have been accused of influencing those decisions but anyone who knows my children knows that statement couldn't be farther from the truth. I have fiercely independent kids who value choice as for many years they weren't allowed to have that privilege.

So, though I may not always agree with my children's paths what I do agree with is that we all have the right to choose our own journey and with that right we must all accept the consequences of the paths we choose. My children understand that and stepping back and just reviewing who they have become I feel so strongly in praising them because they have done so well in spite of the challenges they have already faced in such young lives.

*side note - the following paragraphs have come to my attention as sounding angry - sorry for that. When it comes to my kids I can become a bit of a momma bear and that may be what you read here. My feelings for M are mostly indifference. He abandoned his role long ago and I held a lot of resentment at first when the entire responsibility for the kids - financial and all - ended up on my shoulders and yet I was being portrayed as this horrible person. FOR THE MOST PART I am over it. The following was originally a blog post all unto itself. Mostly, what this is now is just a heads up to M to maybe have him understand what he could do to remedy his relationships with his kids. The words came off bitchy, I am sorry for that.

So a bit of a heads up to M who I understand checks in here for news of his family. Her name is Kienna, it's by her permission the full name is even on this blog post. It's not Karalyn anymore, it hasn't been for a number of years. She can and does address the reasons for the name change and as an adult it is her choice to do so. The fact you refuse to address her by this name is one of the major reasons you have distanced yourself from your children. Had you understood the plan of salvation nearly as well as your perceived notion of an individual omnipotent belief in your own priesthood you might have a relationship with her, your other children and your grandchildren. I have really tried to understand the part of the gospel that gives you a belief in control over  every one's life, I think now that somewhere a long the line you twisted the very plan of salvation into your own personal view of priesthood power. The Dr's spoke of narcissism and the weakness the gospel can have in allowing men to become exuberant in it. Our live together is long over, thank GOD and I know that somewhere down the road you will have to come to terms with a resolution to the damage you inflicted on all of us. I won't define my life by the pain any more but by the hope I feel each day. I only hope that someday the empty words of " I am sorry you feel that I hurt you" can someday be replaced by the full words of "I am truly sorry" so you can feel the love these children and grandchildren are capable of. Those words "I am sorry" without conditions are liberating, you should try it sometime.

This is a new year, a new beginning. I love new beginnings.