Did you ever just want to stand in the middle of a crowded room and scream just to be heard? I really can't say that is my deepest and grandest fantasy but there are times when I would just love to know that my words mattered, that my heart mattered, that my feelings were valid.
It has been an extremely rough month. I can count on October being difficult but this one is just crushing me and I have been calling uncle all over the place. It hasn't been working.
So, I am going to bare my soul with this post, open it wide open as they say and hopefully, in the universe, somewhere I'll be heard.
My mother's name is(was) JOY. Well, really it was JOYCE but she hated her full name even more than I dislike mine so everyone knew her as JOY.
She passed away 6 years ago. 6 long years ago.
Mom had a gift, she got it from her Mom who got it from her Mom who got it from her Mom, well, you know how that goes.
Mom used to do this thing, these words, each time you left her either by phone or in person because it was just what she did, all the time. You never left her without telling her you loved her. She would then respond, "I love you more".
She meant it, she did love you more and now, 6 years later I know exactly what she meant when she said it.
Who would have thought that 3, oh wait, 4 words could come to mean so much and be so missed in such a profound way.
You see, the words I love you make a huge impact on your psyche. Knowing someone cares in that way makes facing the world a bit easier.
I miss hearing her say that more than any of you could ever know.
I get that people misunderstand me. I get that voicing an emotion can sometimes, oh wait, will always backfire in the dynamics of my family so that has been my fault, my breaking point for this hard month.
My words matter to me and I have to realize that after years of not mattering that I can be better than that.
October will be over soon, I can hardly wait. I need it to come to a close.
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