To Idaho - with love.

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future." ~ Deepak Chopra

Did you ever have moments where a scenario has played out over and over again in your mind and you thought that for sure your rehearsed reaction would instinctively play out as rehearsed and then B*A*M*, something completely different emerges and you wonder, maybe that was what the result should have always been. Maybe karma won out.

My blog entries have never been something I have been super concerned about. I would think about where my head space is and then find some profound quote that would address my heart and then comment accordingly. Well, that changed because of a few circumstances in the last few months and now, I find myself, thinking before I write and that affects my integrity. So I am going to address a concern and move forward, without regrets and hope those that can feel the emotion of my words understand the full purpose of why I write and why it matters to me.

I started this blog out of necessity. I was just leaving a horrific marriage that as everyone looked in they could only see the façade that was built around the crumbling home we had because M would have it no other way. I left in silence sharing only my most intimate thoughts with my bishop, my tight circle of friends and my Dr. W with the words penned on what was mostly and anomalous blog site.

That road wasn’t easy. It was a friggin Mt. Everest of climbs and I managed. I have survived and for the most part I have kept in tact the remnants of what could have been and is now becoming one hell of a family. My children are amazing, my new husband; a God send.

I look back every now and then to remind myself of just how far we have all come. Serenity is an absolute in our home and being there a pleasure. The quiet and peace is beautiful and expected. Sunday afternoon dinners, babysitting new grandsons, laughter and safety all reside within the walls of our home. It is wonderful. No one dictates how it should be because it just is a natural flow of respect, honor, compassion and reasonable expectations. A team work approach we all love and respect each other. It isn’t perfect, NOTHING IS, but is wonderful all the same.

I am aware that my ex’s family read this blog. I have no issues with that. Maybe a glimpse in will correct some of the falsehoods that have been spoken, maybe it will only further enhance the distrust and hatred I felt so clearly for the months and years after I left. That was the hardest part of all of those years. Watching my family treat a monster with kindness because that was what the gospel expected and the opposite so true for me. I was the villain. The conception that I was taking everything and hurting intentionally was so apparent and NEVER once I felt was my side considered as the communication completed stopped. I became dead to them. Dr. W taught me to understand that I couldn’t take it personally. It didn’t matter because in the end, blood was thicker that water.

I can’t even begin to have you understand what it was like to go to the temple and face DINI. No hiding her name here. Over and over again I had reports of her disparaging remarks, her outright lies and her personal attacks on my character. One of the last times I was there she ran through the temple to a friend and told him she couldn’t believe I was there, how my unworthiness should have kept me out. My friends apologized, begged me to try harder and ignore her attacks but I couldn’t, it was over. There was no peace there and there wouldn’t be as long as she remained a worker. I found it so ironic that the people most vocal were the ones assigned to work in God’s house. I think that was one of the reasons it became so easy to open my heart to different truths. If people like that were the esteemed members of a church assigned in one of the most sacred places administering the most sacred of ordinances, what did that say about that church?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know of some incredible people who serve unselfishly without malice towards anyone in the temple but the culture of Mormonism tends; as do all inclusive cultures, to promote judgment and exclusion. I wasn’t measuring up as the voices most vocal against me were very strong. I just grew weary of a fight that should never have happened in the first place and walked away. Church should never be about proving who you are to anyone but yourself and when the voices of criticism are so strong that you can’t get away that says more about the culture than the offended. And please, don’t even get me started about a culture that puts the onus on those who are hurt and not those doing the hurting.

Had the circumstances not happened in the way that they did I doubt I could have found the peace and contentment I have and enjoy so much now. For that reason alone I am grateful for the journey that has been mine. There is a part of me that would love to speak to so much more than I am going to but thus lay the rub. Why bother? That would be repeating a dysfunctional unproductive past and that boat sunk long ago. What I will address is simple.

Anything you heard is subjective. Much like the words I pen. They are my opinion. Families make choices in divorce. Some make sense, others seem just plain wacked. Co-parenting was never an option M wanted. There is a lot to be said about how much easier it has been since he disappeared from the picture. He pokes his head in once in a while. When he does it usually comes with some sort of passive aggressive judgment. You can bet that I have heard it said that he gloats at how he felt “right about me all along”. Little does he recognize he is very much the architect of much of the hurt, angry feelings we all have to the church and the people.

As far as Dini goes, I have no doubt she too gloats. She is probably the best thing I lost in the divorce. Her absence out of our lives is wonderful. Something should be said about someone who glorifies stirring the pot. As much as she tried to pit sister-in-laws against each other half of what she said was mostly her own words put into the mouth of others. I didn’t learn that until it was too late. I think my eyes were opened the most in that account as I watched her try to manipulate opinions within the walls of the temple. I have since learned the psychosis of the behavior and learned to at least understand where it comes from. It’s a shame really as she also is one of the most enduring women I know. She manages to survive in spite of it all. She is not well liked by many. I heard it said that it doesn’t matter what we do to people as much as it matters how we left them feeling. Because of her I think so much more deeply upon the relationships I have and how I leave a person when I go. I guess you could say she helped me become a better person. I should thank her for that.

I miss my nieces and nephews. I liked their strong spirits. Much judgment was passed on them behind their backs. Much was attributed to me. I am going to make the record straight. I liked them all, I thought highly of their abilities and more about the way they addressed their lives. No apologies. They have a great mother; strong and determined. She is the glue to that family and the push to her husband. J and C are good people. Their dynamics were not an indication of weakness on anyone’s behalf but a testament to finding the strengths in each other and making them work. All I ever heard was about missed potential. What I saw and argued for was that they were happy in their own dynamics and I believe that. J is complete with C; priesthood isn’t about control and being “the man of the house” as much as it is an act of respect. They are a good family, always were and always will be. I want that out there. I admired their relationship and had only wished that those with the strong opinions could have seen the value in what they had, the dynamics that made them both happy. Others opinion that are so strong in the authority of men and the priesthood missed the point that holding an honoring the priesthood doesn’t mean control of everyone in your home. I always felt that J, of all the men in that family, was more in keeping with what GOD intended all along when it came to honoring the priesthood and in being the head of a household. Less demanding and more do. It’s all mute now though, in S family tradition, a divorce excises that woman from the family, history just repeated itself.

So what’s my point here? Closure I think more than anything else. I didn’t just quit a marriage. Years and years of therapy only work when two parties listen and vow to change. M believed and still does that the whole problem was that I couldn’t honor his priesthood. Not God’s priesthood that was a gift given him but his priesthood, one in which he extolled strict obedience. In time, it became abusive and hurt so many people. I behaved badly – therapy allows me to recognize that but more importantly, it taught me to behave better and to change. M refused to change – in his eyes he wasn’t at fault. Dr W helped me to know that continuing in the marriage would have ended tragically. Walking away saved not only my life but saved a family. We are what we are today, salvaged and renewed because of change, Thank God for change.

So if reading the blog gives a glimpse in to the renewal of my family so be it. M’s family is still my children’s family. I honor that. My children are adults and make their own choices. I have and continue to honor their right to choose whatever journey they pursue no matter who is a part of it, including their father or his family. I have no control over nor have any right to an opinion of what that relationship is. I would not be a good mother if I wasn’t worried but in the end, they define it and they choose whether M is in their life or not. So, I guess what I am trying to say contrary to M’s opinion, he is the architect to the healing. He needs to hear what it is they need and instead of constantly giving them what he thinks they want, maybe he could listen and give them what is needed to heal it all and please know, I get that it’s just my opinion.

So I am going back to blogging about my journey without worries. It’s been hard to get to a point in my life where what others thought didn’t matter to me. I am one with God and with the universe. I have faith and strength I didn’t even imagine I had and I am moving forward with JOY. I hope they understand that, it’s all I can ask.

Let me address them;

Welcome to my blog and please know, you mattered to me and that I am grateful for having been your sister-in-law, aunt and friend. I recognize those roles no longer have meaning in a literal sense but they mattered to me at one time and I just wanted you to know that.