It's Time, no more pretending.

I have taken a break for a bit. I wasn't sure how or what I would write to address this but I can't even find a quote that makes sense. These words may make some of you disown me but I can't keep hanging on to what really was drowning me in the first place.

What am I on about - well, here it goes.

About 5 years ago I began reading a book "Rough Stone Rolling" by Richard Bushman. I bought it at the Beehive bookstore and did so because I have always been interested in reading about church history. I have read the entire volumes of Church History and they never made any sense to me. Through out the texts they intersperse the quotes and history and it appeared as if the fragmented writings had been pieced together in a way to best suit the history that the writers felt made sense. I have read a number of biographies and love understanding the nature and circumstances that make great people even greater so picking up RSR was just my nature. This book took me over a year to read because with each chapter I felt more and more enlightened and yet robbed because what was in that book was not the history that my church life had taught - in fact - it was very different.

I first spoke to Bishop L about it. We had a very intellectual discussion and though the words and the history disturbed me what I did have intimate knowledge of was that there are leaders who though are inspired in their callings can still be very evil men. Unrighteous dominion was a concept I had great knowledge of and because of it I was able to accept the principal of leaders being men as well with faults that sometimes seemed inconcievable.

I remember having a conversation with my father about the "sanitized" version of church history that not only was I taught in seminary but that in turn, I taught to others. He acknowledged that truth and we discussed other issues as well. It was at this time that I came to feel that as different as what I had known to what I now knew to be the truth I had always valued my membership, I felt I was a good person because I was Mormon.

I lived this way, struggling in a ward full of people unwilling to forgive me for things they had heard about me but weren't true for a long time. I went to support my last child who remained active and in the same breath began to acknowledge to my daughters that I recognized their growing concerns and no longer dismissed their assertions as "anti-Mormon" rhetoric. I felt like I was walking on the tight wire of a barbed wire fence. Either way I went, I felt stretched beyond belief.

I found a site on the Internet called "Staylds.com" and found a haven to where I felt peace. I wasn't alone. I had made it through my crisis of faith and still was able to find a way to be both LDS and enlightened to what I felt many had fallen to. I had survived, I had a testimony of being Mormon, of loving God and of finding the strength to continue in a ward that had become almost impossibly unwelcoming. I could give you dozens of examples but then it would just diminish the journey of finding my way through it all.

Fast forward to just under a year ago. W and I had decided to pursue a sealing in the temple. We loved each other and felt right about going for it. We were worthy and ready and though I knew the process was going to be difficult I was prepared to open the wound, to find a way to make it a journey of Joy because in the end, W and I would be together forever, a goal I had always had for myself and one we shared together.

The journey began with an interview with my current Bishop who was also a friend. He had been through much of the turmoil with me and was what I thought, a supporter. We met and I expressed the desire to go ahead, he explained that he would need a letter from me but that one from M would be unnecessary as he would most probably be vicious. He asked that I write it and that I forward it to him for editing. He also asked to take any emotion out of it, that filling the letter with it would only be hurtful and not work towards proving my having gotten over all the abuse that as a family we had been through. I agreed and over the next month we went back and forth a couple of times. Every emotion was removed and in the end it was simply a plea to be allowed to go forward in W and my eternal lives together.

BH then said it was in his hands, he would get back to us. 2 months later W asked him prior to sacrament meeting where he was at with the process, his look said it all, he had forgotten. He apologized profusely and promised to get right on it. As disappointed as I was I never questioned that his remorse was real. Two more months go by and again, we ask. This time, in the interview, I also spoke to him about the legal document that M served me the day after his sealing to his current wife to eliminate child support. In it, it states that when he was to find work again that either party could request support to start again.  D was starting university, and was still thinking of a mission, could he petition M, rather than me having to spend thousands of dollars to have M meet the MORAL obligation he had to his son. BH said he would and apologized yet again for forgetting about the cancellation. This was in late June.

Going into the next two times that BH and I spoke and his apologies for continuing to forget can only be aggravating to discuss. What I will say is how it felt. My very salvation seemed forgettable, I was so hurt. It was around this time that I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting. I was asked to speak on testimonies and as Brother M asked me he spoke about addressing the issues of the struggle and coming through it, I was to speak 12 - 15 minutes. There is a long and sordid circumstance here but suffice it to say that it was a very real nightmare. In my almost 50 years of church activity I have never felt more hurt and more discarded. Had what happened to me involved any other members of the ward it would have been addressed but because of who it was - I was expected to apologize and the irony here is that when I did, I genuinely felt sad and remorseful for having caused the unintentional hurt someone felt I did. The reverse was not so and as a matter of reason, to this day - no apology has come forward. It became apparent to me, more than ever, that I was socially on the bottom rung and because of it, I would always be expected to forgive being treated badly and those doing it remained untouched because of "standing". I tried to go back once, no twice and both times I was greeted with disregard. My standing was cemented and I knew that though this church preaches the atonement and forgiveness it is very rarely afforded when you haven't the correct pedigree or callings to protect you.

I felt heartbroken, I still do. After everything I had gone through, after surviving so much, here I was being told that there were people at church that didn't what me to be a teacher, that I could never expect anyone in the High Priest quorum who had heard M's assertions to ever treat me with any kind of respect. I knew my decision when I went to the Christmas social to hear D play and while in the hallway, a member I have known for over 25 years, who knew the truth of the life I had had, who I had supported through all her own personal trials with her kids, shook her head when she saw me and walked away rather then even saying hello. It was the last time I went but it wasn't the last time I spoke to BH.

I wrote an email asking to be released from my calling. I didn't want to be forced on anyone. For over 20 years I have been in and out of RS and in all those years the same 10 women have sat in the same seats and have refused to contribute in lessons with those they feel shouldn't teach. Oh yes, I had the support of some amazing people, teaching in front of the other women was pointless, defeating and considering how dispensable I was anyway, I could do it anymore.

BH responded quickly, first with a message that was positive but when we did finally connect his demeanor was much different. We spoke about how I felt about how my salvation seemed forgettable, about how he continued to forget. I will say that he confessed to being 'slothful" but felt it was inspired. I still don't know what that means. He spoke to me about the fact that he would be moving forward and that he was going to be getting back to me and that it would be in a few weeks. It has now been over a month and all I can say is no doubt, I am sure he has forgotten again.

I have spoken about my respect for my home teaching Brother S. He called and expressed the he missed me at church. I respected his call and we spoke for about a 1/2 hour. He asked if I was concerned that my actions in the end were proving to some that M was right all along. I responded by saying that I knew who I was and I knew my Father in Heaven loved me and understood. Not being there wasn't admitting anything except being weary of trying to worship in a ward unwilling to forgive. I can't change attitudes that have been entrenched in a culture for multiple generations of time. I know who I am and whether I go to church or not, it was never going to change the opinions of those who have no desire to think any more of me than they already have. Brother S didn't know M well and because he didn't M was unable to convince him otherwise. He expressed his dismay at losing the "quality" members because of the actions of others and I expressed to him that indeed, I was giving up on the ward but not on my own personal faith.

So, where I am now? Very happy. My testimony is much different than it was even a year ago and whether I go to the LDS church or not it isn't going to change who I am on the inside anymore. I will never see myself or my children as lost and I believe in a God who knows and understand our journey.  M goes to church all the time, he appears perfect in every way and no doubt frequents the temple monthly if not weekly. None of that makes him a moral or good man. He is still the person that came close to destroying the lives of 5 people, who turned his back on his own son and does nothing to support him. When he goes through the temple recommend questions he answers that he is current is his child support when he hasn't paid a dime in nearly 3 years but because he appears perfect and because his harm isn't seen in the black and blue bruises he remains untouchable. When I met the second last time with BH he had a 12 page letter that M had written full of his vengeance and drama of his narcissistic view of the reasons we divorced. His words unedited, full of emotion. I realised then that fairness and compassion wasn't ever going to be available within the walls of the lds church for me. I think it was then that I knew that I was done. I couldn't ever come to terms with the gender bias of the whole cancellation process.

I have more angst than hope in the church of my last 50 years both because of how I have been treated and because of what I now know with regards to the governance of the church. I have made the peace with those I needed to understand why I was leaving, they understand and that is all that matters now.

Will BH call? I doubt it, but when my good friend the RS president called to announce the good news of her own engagement, one thing I knew for sure, BH would not be forgetting her cancellation, that's for sure and more than that, I am genuinely happy for her and for her own journey of faith and endurance. She deserve her happiness in her terms, she has worked hard for it and she deserves not to be forgotten.