TRAPPED

“Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why.” 

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Have you ever had a thought, an action or maybe a hope that has lain idle on your mind. It just kind of takes up the space for those moments when you have time to mull about it. Eventually, if given too much time it can embed itself on the moments you least want it there.

I decided my stumbling block was more of a hurdle and sought out some help for it. This time I went outside the influence of the church because the church itself seems to be the problem. Guess what, I even prayed for help and set out to find someone who might understand. I found her, a transitions therapist. Free of judgment, an attentive listener and above all else, helpful.

So there we were, what was making me stumble? 

My emotions seem to be welling up again, what is it that is forcing the tears to resurface. We talked about the first "go to answer" from a culture that never really can get itself out of the box, no, it wasn't about guilt.

We then went through the past. Nope, that seems to be handled. 

Boundaries, yup, there is a definite need to work with those.

Then, we talked about emotional traps and finding emotional closures. That's where we left it. Boundaries mostly and thinking about the traps, at least that's my paradigm of thought on it.

One sentence we shared resonated with me. I had mentioned that I felt trapped by a church that didn't and wouldn't give me the emotional closure I felt I needed. I told her I was in conflict. 

I asked her; "If I didn't believe it anymore, why did it matter? Why can't I just purge it? It had no real meaning. Why did it matter?" 

In about one sentence she gave me the most profound answer I could have had. I am not sure if she even knew what she was saying or even if she knew that in a real way what she was saying. It was simple and precise. 

"because it does"; and I realized that being told no to the cancellation was emotionally trapping me.

First insight to why I can't let it go.

So, what do I do?

Try again?

That has been suggested by a few people. The church has a lay ministry. Give any issue a few years and whatever it is can be solved by a new bishop. Or maybe not. It's like a crap shoot, sometimes the problems can just get worse, sometimes better. Who knows, maybe I have one of those nasty asterisks***** ex Mormons talk about. The ones they give trouble makers so the church can pass along the notes to control past a leadership change.

I hit the proverbial brick wall at my request the first time around. It was monumental in bad timing. I hold REAL resentment towards my bishop for his part in the whole process as well as the stake president. These feelings have been even more compounded when a good friend, going through the same process, marriage outside the temple, waiting a year and was given her cancellation without any issues. Her advice to me, the TBM that she is was to just not take "NO" for an answer. Go right back and demand it.

That's where the epic fail comes in. Do you argue with the priesthood. For some 25 odd years all I was ever told was how I couldn't respect it or honor it, it's my Achilles heel for sure. Do I really just go in with guns a blazing and demand it?

Is that what it is going to take to stop feeling trapped in the sadness of my past?

So, I guess I have to weigh out my options here and finally do SOMETHING because doing nothing is simply tripping me up.