"Sometimes You Have To Let It All Go, And Let It Happen!"

“May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.” ~ Author unknown

I could say that it is about time, or that, in timing anyway, I should have documented my way through the last few months but for some reason, I am pretty okay with the decision to not blog and to focus on the task that was at hand. That of getting married.

I am rethinking the name of the blog. I have changed it for now to something that makes a bit more sense but mostly, with time, I will feel what is right and follow through with a dramatic and yet predictable antidote for change.

So, in short, I got married. I never thought in a million years that would be possible or even be dream able but go figure; karma, the stars, the Big Guy, however you want to see it simply aligned and voila’; in came the absolute love of my life. It wasn’t quick, it’s never easy but it is wonderful and I did not know that this kind of love was possible.

Now springs forth the question. Why? I recently saw an old video clip of Nancy Kerrigan, the skater, after Tanya Harding’s hired goon hit her on the leg just prior to the Olympics. Nancy was in agony screaming “WHY…..Why….Why” and all I could think was wow, every dream and every hope squelched by greed and ambition and hate. But that wasn’t how the story ended. Nancy skated in those Olympics, and did well and has, for the most part, had an amazing life. Pasts can be ugly, hard, destructive and brutal but it is only when we live in them that they never seem to slough off for us and free us to a better life.

After having fully sloughed off my past and kept the best part of it – my KIDS, I started on an incredible journey of hope. It was and continues to be so much fun and mostly heart ache free. W came in unexpectedly and after many reasons why not, (he got on his knees quite a few times with me just putting my hand on his mouth, jokingly not letting him speak), I surprised him one Sunday afternoon by simply letting him ask. It was beautiful and right and probably one of the clearest decisions I have ever made. He is a great man and I love him. He is kind, compassionate and loving and as my lovely Bridget Jones would say; “ loves me just for who I am”.

We knew right away that we wanted to marry quietly. Some decisions were easy, other’s more difficult. Some had already been made for us but mostly we knew that the only ones that mattered were the five kids we were forcing into the equation. They were great. We are blessed to have them in our lives and don’t think for a second that everything went off tickity boo. When you divorced parent is getting married it represents an end for the child. Whether they are 5 or 25 that journey is hard. W and I knew what we needed to do to seal the happy future we so wanted. It meant going against the grain but for so many reasons even beyond those already mentioned we chose the path that literally would leave us on the bottom of the LDS social cultural ladder. We did it without excuse, we chose it and we would do so again because the evening of Dec 21, 2009 was magical for all the right reasons and in a year from now, W and I will have it sealed Don’t get me started on the waiting or for that matter that I need to seek permission from a bully, it’s just the way it is. It sucks.

So what has the last month and ½ been like. You know, at first, besides all the warm and fuzzy exhilaration at being a newly wed, there was a part of me that was mad. After 25 years of being treated so badly I finally found out the way it was supposed to be like and I felt somewhat ripped off. The difference is astronomical and everyday it just gets better and better. I can have an opinion and it is not unrighteous or wrong, I have value in this relationship and W is truly the most unselfish man I know. Spiritual, emotional, physical…. All of it is so unbelievably fantastic that I often wonder; is the bubble going to break?

Respect and kindness is a fundamental component to a happy marriage. It draws two people together. W. is a giver, I am a giver, and together we work. I am so happy, I am so complete. I look into those gorgeous eyes of his and feel so loved that loving him back is reflexive. I look forward to the rest of my life with him. We will be that cute little old couple that hold hands and plays and enjoys the golden years of their life together.

In the one breath that makes me sad that I had to wait until nearly 50 years old to know what it means to be eternally loved, comes a bigger and deeper breath of appreciation that I am able to have the opportunity to feel this eternal love that binds the souls together in such a deep and meaningful way. I am ever so grateful to my HF for this; you have no idea how much…. Sooooo very much!

Yeah, so, every love song speaks to me. Every poem means that much more to me. I make no excuse to the declaration of my love for him. He is my everything.

I could not have made it here without the family and friends that I have. Their support has gotten me through some pretty terrible times. Healing is such an important part of the process. Knowing God loved me allowed my heart to open for W’s love.

I have my love song with W. It sings and melodically permeates my life. It came because of hope. I never lost it through the whole last few years. There were times for sure, when it seemed so distant that I thought it was gone but surrounding me were people who constantly reminded me that there was a way out but that I was the only one who could navigate there.

My last comment is easy; it’s from one of my favorite poets, Emily Dickinson. It’s simple:

“Hope is the thing with feathers, which perches in the soul, and sings the tunes without words, and never stops at all.”